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17 Oct 2018 Bored so very bored. It's been a while since I've been here. Interest in Everything I do or try has a limited shelf life barely beyond the existence of a housefly. Depression? Acceptance? Not sure. I'm able to recognize much more gratitude and much less grieving over Cutty lately. Only took nearly five years... and it's not 100%.
At first it was 'relief' that I was finally free of being the caretaker (and all the feelings of guilt that accompanied that recognition). Then the true regrets of the relief set in.
Now I am able to walk through my home and recognize gratitude and I'm able to admit that this is really how I am at my most comfortable. Alone. It makes sense that I never felt that 'bad' when I traveled for work because I was able to return to the quiet sanctuary of the corporate apartment or hotel at the end of the day. Once that ended as my need for being the caretaker grounded me I struggled not only with watching him die day by day but the inability to escape to my own privacy.
I wonder if it's possible for caretakers to claim PTSD when marriage is involved. It's not a job by which one only need endure an 8-12 hour shift and then retreat and recoup. It was a 24/7 minute by minute stripping away of patience and 'sense of self'. To always come second in the conversation.
I went to a gyno yesterday and noticed I was the only woman in the waiting room without a 'guy'. Since when do you need a date? Like most women I hate this visit more than most anything else in the world; I even took a xanax prior just to smooth out the stress.
How does any of this relate to food and diet and weight? Well, it does if one is an emotional eater, which I am. Emotional eater. Emotional not eater. It's all mixed in. Some days the choices are better than others. Some days the choices are intentionally unhealthy.
Maybe I'll make it back here tomorrow for more self examination.
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