Diario de FullaBella, 14 feb. 13

Fruitcakes by: Jimmy Buffett
You know I was talking to my friend Desdemona the other day. She runs this space station and bake shop down near Boomtown. She told me that human beings are flawed individuals. The cosmic bakers took us out of the oven a little too early. And that's the reason were as crazy as we are and I believe it.

Yeah, I know. Yesterday it was movies; today it's music. Hey, I have to give y'all a break from the voices in my head now and then.

If I ever do give in and get professional therapy I sure hope the therapist is accommodating and patient as I do my best free thinking in my bathroom. Maybe it's just one big metaphor for flushing the crap out of my head.

My point is, based on the intro, we are ALL flawed individuals. It just took me a long time to realize it, accept it, and stop chasing an elusive dream.

In a previous journal I explored my quest of the cliche 'you can never be too rich or too thin'. To me, the two always went hand in hand. I never quite understood how rich people could be so miserable. Or as one comedian says: "Rich people who claim money doesn't buy happiness.... well, they just don't know how to shop."

That's sort of true. Wealthy people don't sweat the stuff we normal folk worry over daily like mortgages, car payments, insurance, food, new shoes for the kids who's feet seem to be growing over night and medicine.

But rich AND thin? Yeah, I have been connecting the two for YEARS. If you weren't born thin, well, by golly, buy it. Get it nipped, tucked, sucked, pumped, extended and smoothed out. The world is at your fingertips; all you had to do was point. And smile.

Of course it took me half a century and a lot of bathroom discussions to wrap my head around 'thin isn't the equivalent of happy; they may be smiling in those photos in the society columns but what happens when the camera turns away?'

So on the heels of my realization recently that I've been stumbling down the path of stupid so many years, wherein I realized 'Thin People really DO eat all they Want... but their version of 'all they want' doesn't mean every meal is a pie-eating contest' I discovered a new issue in my screwed up psyche.

This may get complicated to explain. It made sense in my head. Now I have to see if I can translate it to words.

FOR ME - (this is my disclaimer saying Me, Bella, not you) for ME - I realized another 'stinkin thinkin', as my friend Isabella calls it, was: sometimes I wore my weight like a billboard purposely.

It was my antithesis of 'thin and happy'. I was miserable. I was miserable thin and miserable fat. This was because I had achieved THIN without all of this work I'm doing right now sorting it out mentally and emotionally. And I'd regained weight for the same reason. I never stopped at 10lbs or 50lbs or 100lbs and said 'whoa... where is this going...?" because, I didn't want to admit the answer.

I wanted someone to notice how unhappy I was. And save me. But they never did. I had to save myself. Yes, you have all been fabulous, inspiring and supportive, but I had to grab the lifesaver first. We all do.

I knew how I deduced thin people as happy but I wasn't happy thin so maybe gaining the weight back would put my emotional issues back out on Main Street and someone would ask 'Bella, are you okay?'

Because, No, No I wasn't okay. Not by a long shot.

Not all obese people have emotional problems. I'm not labeling anyone BUT ME.

How do I know this is in fact ONE of the reasons?

Because, in the bathroom this morning, I had a flashback to a conversation I'd had with someone a few years ago.

As you know MH is very ill and has been for a long time. He's a very likeable, memorable guy so at every single one of many trade shows where known acquaintances wonder how he's doing, they open EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION with 'How's he doing?'

So much to the point that for a while I joked I was going to legally change my name to "Howsie". Howsie Bella. Has quite a ring to it, don't you think?

And being the worn out exhausted caretaker takes it's toll on me, some days more than others. So one time, when one of our friends greeted me with 'Howsie...' and I lost it. Big time.

"You know, I'm SICK and TIRED of EVERY $%#$ conversation beginning with HIM. Don't you even see how SICK I am? How much WEIGHT I've gained? Have you noticed that I've gained over 100 pounds since we met?? Do you even notice me?? That my face is RED and I'm breathing hard just WALKING across the room? You know, I COUNT TOO!!!!'

Recalling that conversation this morning - I made the connection. Along with just eating mindlessly, consuming when I wasn't hungry, binging when emotional, going for the quick and easy junk food rather than taking the time to prepare something healthy... along with all of that... I also had an agenda.

As mentioned the other day - yeah, most of the time, we just want to sneak in the room unnoticed. Not pull every glance and worry about the judgement. TRUE.

But *I* have to admit that for *ME* - as subliminal and unconscious as it was - I had an agenda. I WANTED to be noticed. WITHOUT having to verbalize the 'What about Me?"

So - wow. I now know yet another of my 'stinkin thinkin' failures. As I continue to muddle along with all of this, when I'm hurting or sad, I won't use weight to get attention. Didn't do me any good anyway. The only one who suffered was me.

Time to treat myself better going forward.

Or.. to use another line in Fruitcakes: 'I treat my body like a temple; you treat yours like a tent'

While I do get my best work done in the outhouse... I need to stop treating my body like one.

And that's not the rest of the story - just another chapter.
Bella

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1293 kcal

Grasa: 79,22g | Prot: 66,11g | Carbh: 80,94g.   Desayuno: Schwans Blueberry, Flax Seed, Coffee, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coconut Oil. Almuerzo: Sabra Hummus, Laughing Cow, Celery, Sartori Cheese, Whole Baby Carrots, Prime Rib. Cena: Smart Balance Chunky Peanut Butter, Babybel Gouda. más...

2109 kcal

Ejercicio: Durmiendo - 24 horas. más...