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Second Journal - the questions continue:
So after whining out loud and endlessly in my journal this morning I reflected that maybe that is what I was doing - rationalizing a 'free food day'. I am not sure why. So here I am back to writing and hopefully work through it.
I guess I just want a day when I'm not thinking about and having to work through all of the:
'I want to eat something even though I'm not hungry.'
'I don't feel like I just ate that 'thing' mindfully'
'Yes, I would love some ice cream but seriously 500 calories?'
'I know I'm not hungry - but I want to eat.'
'Nothing I'm eating is satisfying me right now.'
'I'm disappointed my sushi wasn't more fulfilling.'
Ok - it's the mindless eating that got me in this place; a place from which I've worked hard to journey away permanently.
So what's going on ? In my list of things ... going through list by list, checking things off... I can't seem to put my finger on 'What's Eating Me to the Point that I want to Eat Everything Else?'
Is it hormones?
Weather?
Emotions?
I cannot figure it out but it seems like it's been a week of it - a feeling as stressful as fingernails on a chalkboard. It's scratching at me; practically clawing.
Maybe that's why I was so aggravated in my journal at the thoughts of how 'deprivation = great job' because I am feeling deprived but I don't feel proud of it. With all that's going on, going well, why am I feeling that way?
What do I hope to gain through an over abundance of food besides weight? Enlightenment? Relief? Comfort? Something to fret over?
Water is helping but I feel like I'm just using it to mop the deck of my Titanic. Any minute now I'm going to jump ship, call Mayday or just sink. I don't know why. These are just the emotions I've felt as I keep pushing back the water running over my deck.
Was it the 100lbs? Did that set off a false sense of security and I'm repeating my past screw ups of thinking 'Ok, lost the weight.... NOW I can eat what I want?" Because I certainly know that to be a fault in my logic.
Is it just Friday? I'm always a little weary by Friday and my confidence shakes. I feel better on Sunday but an extra hour playing in my flower garden this morning still didn't yield the recovery I'd hoped.
Definitely 'sweets' seem to top the 'give.it.to.me.now' list. Earlier I read a post about cake and I can literally visualize myself eating an entire double layer cake right now. Why is that?
Why am I feeling the need or want to overeat? Gorge? What in the hell is going on in my head?
Maybe I need to hit bottom? I wonder about this because here is the thought pattern I've experienced for a couple of days now:
'I look the same.'
"So?"
'I'm not losing any weight.'
"You haven't gained any either; that was your goal for the month, remember? Eat more and see if you stayed the same weight or gained."
'Yeah, but it seems like ... WHY did I do that again?'
"You wanted to spend a little time experimenting with the effect of consumption on your weight loss, health, mental outlook."
'Then, why do I feel like a failure?'
"Because you keep forgetting your plan."
So now, I wonder, what would ONE no.holds.barred day of eating without thinking do to me? Make me Sick? Is that the hit bottom I need - a good healthy reminder of how sick I'll be after all the junk? A lost weekend with food instead of liquor? Will I recover or wake up in a food rehab, foggy with sugar and wondering where my shoes are?
Why isn't reading other's journals of their out of control binges proof enough for me that no good can come of it? Do I need to jump off the bridge just because my friends did? Must I have the wagon roll over me to feel like I'm part of the gang?
Is it because I often quote 'Food is my friend, I just have to choose my friends wisely' yet I really haven't hung out with my more colorful friends in so long I feel the need to dip my toe in the water? Maybe ordering a huge greasy cheeseburger would do it in one bite and I would remember 'oh, yeah, I don't like this crap anymore.'
There's something going on. Journaling is helping. Seeing this in print gets it out of my head into somewhere a little more manageable. More thinking to do before I pick up a fork.
Bella
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1809 kcal
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Grasa: 68,50g | Prot: 149,97g | Carbh: 172,85g.
Desayuno: Schwan's Mahi Mahi, Dry Roasted Pistachio Nuts (with Salt Added), Dry Roasted Almonds (with Salt Added), Grapefruit (Pink and Red), Schwan's Strawberry Supreme Frozen Yogurt, Krave Chili Lime Beef Jerky, StarKist Foods White Albacore Tuna in Water, Cosi Fat Free Balsamic Vinaigrette, Cucumber (with Peel), Lettuce, StarKist Foods White Albacore Tuna in Water, Cosi Fat Free Balsamic Vinaigrette, Cucumber (with Peel), Lettuce, Portabella Mushrooms, Gouda Cheese, Baby Spinach, Onions, Bell Peppers, Beef Top Loin (Trimmed to 1/4" Fat). más...
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 Comentarios
Bella you lost 100 lbs. That is major. You certainly are not a failure.. You reached your goal for this month. So you want to eat ice cream? Eat ice cream. Buy the lower fat ice cream. It's only 120 calories for 1/2 cup. Have the things you like..in moderation..Don't give up anything...just take the time to fit it in your calories for the day. You can do this and still be satisfied..
31 may. 13 por el miembro: chattycathy1955
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Maybe you need to hit bottom? Bottom was 100 pounds ago, Lady! Don't you remember what 285 felt like? That's bottom. Do you know how amazingly dedicated you are for losing 100 pounds?? You are healthier, breathing easier, looking and feeling better! You are powerful and awesome over any cake or ice cream. TODAY, you can enjoy a piece of cake if you want bc you know HOW to enjoy it! Knowledge is power and when you know better, you do better. You are doing the right thing by getting all your thoughts out about it first. Again, great job losing 100 pounds! GO YOU!!!
31 may. 13 por el miembro: SELouisiana
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Many diets encourage a free day to help sustain the long haul and also to shake up the body that's expecting its daily normal ration. As an aside ....the skinny people in my life don t have my brain or sound like my thoughts. The truly skinny ones don t care. The can start their day have 2 bites of an apple and call it breakfast. The can eat whatever for lunch...a salad. With dome scraps of chicken and they are onto their next task. They are not disappointed their lunch sucked. They didn't t notice or didn't care. Food is fuel. Dinner is whatever. Another salad a piece of grilled fish another salad...who cares. That's what I ve observed. I wake up thinking and planning and imaging every meal. The weight I give it is hugely important to my day....and my weight is....huge. just some thoughts from the peanut gallery.
31 may. 13 por el miembro: sharonfriz
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Bella dear I am sorry you are struggling - still/again. Perhaps it is one of your 'children' having a tantrum of sorts? All the comments you haved been given have been great, all with different points of view and support. If you look at your life, it is very stressful and you have likely rewarded your inner child with sweet carbage to sooth and comfort. I know you want the 'why' but sometimes we just have to keep on going and trust that the 'why' will come in time but in the meantime we just have to keep doing what we've been doing, what has been working, until we figure it out. The other big 'why' is why are we here, what is our purpose, etc. We seldom figure that out in our lifetime either but we can't give up or think ourselves into a corner worrying about it, we just have to keep on truckin' and hope that the Big Guy will one day reveal the 'purpose'. I don't know who invented moderation either, likely some skinny male doctor :) You know if you let yourself go you will feel like crap the next day, you've done it more than once I am sure, slipped and fallen under the wagon, we all have, and it such a hell of a struggle to get back on it just isn't worth coming off if you can at all hang on. But if something is calling your name and you have to have it, life is too short to deny yourself every pleasure. So have whatever is eating you, stuff yourself with it if you want to, but perhaps limit to to one meal, one occurrence and see if that satisfy's the inner child. You are usually very astute at finding what is going on so I know you will figure this out too. Perhaps you need some calgon time in that hot tub and watch the kids fight it out and tell them to let you know who the winner is and what they want. Hope this makes sense. If it doesn't throw it out, just keep the love and support that is behind it :)
31 may. 13 por el miembro: sarahsmum
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O my Angel, you sound like me... if I were more literate & as good of a writer as you! And, of course, you journaled about it (rather than binging as I did recently), which is the healthy thing to do! I'm hoping your urge has/is passing and that journaling about it has helped. As I'm reading & have had some success with myself, just breathing through it is also very helpful to me. I, too, fall into this "o woe is me/pity party" of why can't I have sugar. But, I know in my heart that it is not good for me & I just don't tolerate it well. Will I never eat it again? Maybe not, but for now I know I need to keep it out of my eating plan... & away from my construction crew:)! There are so many other wonderful, tasty & healthy things I can have. And, having my health & feeling good feels so much better than any short-lived sweet treat. Hang in there, my friend! Hoping you'll wake up renewed & refreshed & ready again to navigate your amazing, healthy journey again... one day at a time! xoxoxo
01 jun. 13 por el miembro: Ruhu
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Your latest profile pic is of a page from a book that says "Make Peace With Food". You keep questioning, and reaching, and searching, and grasping for......Here's what came to me: You've got to make peace with yourself, Bella. Period. End of story. Nothing else will ever make sense until you do that.
01 jun. 13 por el miembro: Baxie
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This entry really resonated with me. On many levels. All of these comments were wonderful and heartfelt...especially the last one. The last comment, to me, is the one that made the most sense. This is something I'm currently stuggling with. Until you make peace with yourself, you are always going to be struggling with all of your questions. It really comes down to blaming yourself. Just stop. You have to learn to love you for who you are...for everything. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. (as I write this to you, I'm also trying to make myself listen as well) I went through all of this when I hit my 150lbs lost. Do you know what I did? I just gave up. I justified allll the food I stuffed in my mouth by saying 'I deserve to eat like this because my dad is dying'...or' well, I'm in vegas and who watches what they eat in vegas' or ' school is soo stressful and I really need 3 donuts'. But really, I was scared. Scared that I was almost at my goal weight and what was going to happen when I actually got there? Would I be any different? Would all of my problems magically dissappear because I was at my goal? So I gained 25 lbs back in a matter of 5 months. I let my insecurities and fear take over. and here I am. still messed up and now I have to re-lose 25 lbs. All through my journey I never HONESTLY made peace with myself. YES, I brought myself out of a lot of stuff...but to honestly make peace with ALL that I am? NOT EVEN CLOSE. I really feel this has to be done or we will always we in this same sinking boat. YOU have come so far, and from what I have read you are an amazing person. Let yourself feel all of the things that are holding you back. All of those scary things that we keep on the inside that we run to food for. Then accept those things and make peace with them. Then just walk through that door and never look back. I'm sorry this is so long....this just really hit a spot in my heart. I hope I didn't offend you. if I did, I'm truly sorry. I just really GET this and wanted to share and help.
01 jun. 13 por el miembro: HerStrawberri
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Your journals put into words, and very well, what so many of use are struggling with. I hit that wall last November, well before I reach my goal weight and have been sturggling with it ever since. I can so relate to that feeling of just being tired of thinking about food, worrying about food, wanting to eat more food. I don't think this has anything to with will power of strength of character. Some how our brains have gotten crossed wired where eating large amounts of food is a good thing. I think this is a similiar issue as hoarding, people who fill their homes full of junk and can't stop even when it destroys their relationships and their houses become dangerous to live in. We fill our bodies with junk and can't stop even though it destroys our health and happiness. I don't know how to get to the bottom of this without getting a degree in neural biology or psychology. I think these compulsions come from a very primitive part of our brain that we don't have direct access to, so trying to reason with them doesn't work. I want to thank you for your thought provoking journals.
01 jun. 13 por el miembro: fatoldlady
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