Diario de FullaBella, 30 jun. 13

Really challenging frustrating day today - well, it's been several days as you've read in my ongoing whiny journals but today something finally hit home that I've been trying to ignore for several days, weeks ... months.. and it set me off on a massive internal rant.

The issue is that I cannot remember the last time I sat down with my 'meal' and was able to eat it beginning to end without interruption. I haven't been 'checking' off every time interrupted to keep a tally but I'd say it borders well into the double digits. So often that I can hear my own 'I'm trying to eat my lunch, okay?' echoing in my head.

This morning same thing. Husband had his breakfast, dishes cleared, all settled and I finally decided on a brunch and no sooner did my butt hit the chair with my bowl in hand and it started. Requests for something. When I'm 'finished' of course but when I am trying to eat mindfully and pay attention to my body signals it's frustrating to me to have a clock ticking off while someone else is WAITING. I just don't have that ability. God knows I wish I did.

I finally gave up, said 'I'm going outside' and abandoned my breakfast. It's very important to ME that I don't eat when angry because I am trying to NOT use food to soothe my emotions.

Out in my yard I imagined the things I'd like to say to my husband in a calm manner. I'd like to patiently explain how I am trying at this very late stage of the game to eat 'right'. How of all the challenges and temptations I'm able to withstand around here, everything from cheesecake to mega oreos, I need that 'peaceful eating time' for a very important reason.

However, I've had many 'me' discussions like this over the years; it doesn't play well. It's like trying to explain shoes.

I even decided to approach it from a different direction as in comparing it to the challenges he had when he decided to stop drinking. I'm not sure he was an actual alcoholic, I think he just never knew 'when to say when'. Kind of like me and food.

But, he did stop, altogether, well over ten years ago so I applaud him for that. However, as with myself, the decision to stop and stay stopped was up to him. Me not drinking in the house nor keeping alcohol around may have helped but it was still his responsibility ultimately and he did it.

But then I began thinking about the same thing many of us have said over time - how this is so much harder than drinking or drugs because we do still have to eat. Totally abstaining is not an option.

I began thinking how interesting it would be if AA required the members to learn to drink in martini's in moderation. To exercise conscious cocktails. To drink with attention and intention at happy hour. Seems a little ludicrous I know but what if it wasn't?

I THINK I heard on the news last week obesity had finally been declared an addiction by the AMA - I know ... I should do my research but I'm journaling and venting not submitting a dissertation for my PhD. But I began wondering... what WOULD be the next step for overweight people of this was in fact accurate? Would they be required to go to '28 day food clinics' or have their lips stapled shut? Will 'everything in moderation' be upgraded to 'no, never again... '

A bit absurd, I know. I just had to get away from my anger for a while and deal with my frustration. This was how I did it and I felt like recording it.

Bella