Diario de FullaBella, 21 nov. 13

Second Journal.

Well, my physician just made her first house call for DH. Yep, there are actually doctors who still do that but apparently very few as everyone 'he' has told about her agreeing to come here was impressed.

The good news is he liked her, he actually liked her, and that's a huge thing because he normally takes the opposite position against me just on the principle that he's the man, I'm the wife, and I can't possibly be right. The bad news is she brought up the 'hospice care referral possibility' again and after she left he asked me 'why' again as the physician in the hospital suggested it too. I know he knows 'why', we've discussed it but I just didn't feel like saying it again today so I said 'in the event you get to a point that I cannot take care of you all on my own they'll send some help.' Long sigh, breathe in, breathe out, this too shall pass.

I've kind of been in a funk about this since yesterday as the reality of him being completely bedfast really sank in. He did say to the doc that he is planning on having me bring his walker out to 'try' to walk but he was just 'getting over being in the hospital and trying to get his strength back'. I hope he means it but know better than to go get the walker and leave it sitting there like a glowing pushy reminder. He'll decide in his own time.

So if he doesn't, well, I'm a bit 'stumped' on trying to do 'nice' things for him. I know this reads as if I'm being soliticus or running for 'wife of the year' but as his health declined I became his 'world'. That is, the TV and me. I get so sad when I over hear almost every single one of his comments to another person contain 'Bella said.. Bella did .. Bella is going to...' It sucks. And there's a lot of pressure to be right.

But in between the 'everything necessary' I do, I liked surprising him with the little things that I could. When he began walking only to & from his bed and his bathroom, I'd be obsessive making his bed 'just so' and placing his remote controls 'just right'. When he walked to his bathroom in the morning he'd be surprised by the latest painting I'd hanged or photograph of his hummingbird printed and framed. As his only view of the real world was outside his bathroom window I .. well, now you know why I worked so hard to make my backyard 'heaven on earth'. It does indeed bring me peace and joy but it all began to give him a beautiful view with the birdfeeders and bath and flowers and totems. Now the best I can do is tiptoe when he's napping and change the photo's on the shelf beside his bed or bring him the latest roses from the garden.

But that did just give me an idea ~ so this is why I journal. Maybe I'll get cameras for the backyard and he'll have something new to watch besides 'me' in the 'shop'. And later on they will be an added security for me when I'm alone. Cool.

For today though, I'm going to go try to take one of his older 'shirts' and convert it to a 'bed shirt' by cutting it / hemming it up the back to make it easier to change. Something akin to a hospital gown but not so 'sick' looking.

I've decided the Keurig Vue is the purchase of a fancy appliance and I will just get over the cost and move on. I am enjoying being able to step to the back and get a hot tea quickly. I did order the 'refillable filter cup for the coffee pod' and at other times I'll be able to enjoy the varieties with the sampler. I was reflecting on how many boxes of tea I have in the pantry untouched thanks to the repeated times I failed (forgetting it or scalding myself) trying to heat water in the microwave or teapot. So in the end if this turns out to be little more than a fancy gadget posing as an expensive hot tea maker throughout the day, so be it, I'm worth it. I shall approach this as a way to 'Drink What I Love and Love What I Drink' and may find myself able to eliminate all of the different processed creamers (sugar free but nonetheless) I've been buying to add variety to my coffee beverage. And in retrospect, I did enjoy that cup of 'sleepy time tea' I had last night and fell asleep without the usual scalded tongue.

The 'tea' thing is actually a good thing too because for some reason tea makes me thirsty so I won't forget my daily water intake just because I got a new toy.

Well, I guess that's enough for a second journal. Think I'll go see what all I remember from sewing class in my high school home ec class. Watch out Armani - I may give you a run for your money :-)

BellarMani