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Friday - January 10th - and I'm chuckling at the universe. Today is the 25th anniversary of Cutty asking me to marry him and is consequently the day I've scheduled to go scatter his ashes over the lake. So naturally it's raining. When I was a little girl my Grandmother told me rain was Heaven weeping. I suppose today's as appropriate as any.
It's all about living in the moment and being aware, right? Yesterday a dear, kind friend here reminded me via private message that I was being irrational (my words, not hers). I'd been whining that I felt like I needed to be out pushing limits and going for the gusto to prove my life wasn't in a rut or time being wasted. In her very kind response she reminded me my life has been anything BUT a rut for years, especially the past six weeks. Her advice was to give myself a kind break from the limit pushing for a while and just be aware of today. I truly appreciated that reminder.
It made me recognize I've been blowing through the past year like a F5 tornado. It reminded me that while most people take at least a year, sometimes two, recovering from the loss of the spouse I'd been trying to fast track it in my usual Baptism by Fire approach toward life. It also made me reflect on the new things I HAVE attempted recently not including widowhood.
In the past year alone, while losing 100+lbs, ((well to be fair, about six months of losing and six months of maintenance per the calendar)) I've pursued newly attempted interests in abstract painting, gardening, photography, more physical activity, home decorating, wardrobe changing, cooking, and playing a visible role in my community. Recalling all of that reminded me I used to keep a weekly then monthly 'small but subtle changes' list that combined both weight loss and life growth. I may need to resume that for a while during this really blurry period of my life.
But the lifelong urge to gather no moss lingers and yesterday in a blink, the answer came to me. The TRADE SHOWS. Ahh, yeah, that ever so stressful event in my 'old' life because it carried the baggage of ensuring someone would be here to care for Cutty and that came with increased overhead and stress because no one ever did it as well as me (and my huge ego).
Whenever my wonderful friends here would encourage me to use the time as a break from home, reminding even a working break was better than nothing... I just cringed because of all of the preparation and stress attached. I missed him not being there with me, sharing private little jokes, understanding the business, and having my back while I had his.
He insisted I couldn't do it alone so he had the grandsons step in. For ME, it felt more like I was babysitting them while he felt they were babysitting ME. And because it so greatly increased the overhead expense (paying Blondie the Leech not only for her TIME but Cutty would FEED all of them 2-3 times a day with expensive take-out) I increased the inventory we hauled to the show so I'd at least get my money's worth out of the pack mules (grandsons).
Yikes, right?
So the past couple of weeks I've been on the 2014 Trade Show fence. Do I even want or need to do them? What about Mushy? I certainly can't leave her here alone all that time (even a one day show keeps me away from home 12 hours) without being taken to potty plus so that meant giving Blondie the alarm code. Great, I'm gone all day for her to pilfer and who knows what else. Not a warm fuzzy feeling there at all.
And in a blink .. the answer came. Oh, yeah. I can go back to reserving only one table so no pack mules needed. As long as I have a presence I'll certainly trade enough and make plenty of contacts to meet my expenses while advertising my shop.
And as for Mushy ... it didn't even occur to me until the Hyatt said 'no dogs allowed' and I was thinking .. 'oh well, now what..' that little voice in my head said 'Play the Companion Dog CARD Dummy!'
So I've booked two shows. I finally remembered the point behind these - do a little business, visit with colleagues and enjoy the whole thing as a business deductible GET AWAY. The very thing I was considering two days ago but the thought of laying purposeless on the bed like a beached whale held no appeal for me. That previous stress baggage won't travel on these trips. I'll carry a couple of boxes of higher end inventory and enjoy my working weekend get away. This could be good.
It will require a little adaptation for Mushy; she's not traveled with me before. She's reached the age where she only needs to potty about twice a day and I hope she finally accepts doing so somewhere else other than her own backyard before a kidney explodes. She's not totally accepting of her harness yet - sometimes she'll turn her head as if 'what is that brushing my back?' but it is making 'exits' easier as all I have to do is quickly snap her leash on her and out we go.
All things food? I just ate two slices of pizza: Canadian bacon with mushrooms and extra cheese. It just sounded really good and rather than go forage or settle for something else, I enjoyed it. I'd had two flakey biscuits with butter before going back to bed at 5am when my 2am insomnia brought a churning queasy stomach. The biscuits and coffee settled me enough to grab another couple hours of sleep. My body is craving carbs for a reason and surely once that craving passes so will the extra couple of pounds no doubt lingering from this type of dining.
And life goes on, right?
Thank you for stopping to visit with me. I always love reading the comments you leave and incorporating your support, love and advice into my life. I am truly blessed to be part of such a wonderful community and pray my gratitude daily that you make me part of your life.
Bella
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