Diario de melissatwa, 10 mar. 22

Edit: I see a million little errors in my message. Sorry! It was written on my phone and uploaded with no corrections... it will stay how it is... is what it is! :)

Reflections.... I am looking back to help me move forward. I lost 45 pounds in about 7 months. I went all the way to my goal weight losing an average of 1 to 2 pounds a week. I got to 145, which is what was my typical weight as a very fit teen/early 20 year old. It is what I weighed at my wedding and before I had a bunch of kids. The last ten came off pretty much the same way as the rest. It was a lot of work but you all know that it is hard work. For a solid year, I was so incredibly consistent with my calories and activity.

The next two have been rocky. I wouldn't say I would rather be in the losing phase, for that was really rotten! :) But, I have not found maintaining to be a steady thing, and I have struggled so much. For a long time I hovered about 2 pounds over goal and rarely went below. I started in the last 6 months pushing 5 above goal, and now I'm upwards of 7. My fitness level has dropped so much. Granted, when I was working on losing, I was not even working. I could literally put all my energy that wasn't used by family into my health. Now I'm working part time at 3 different jobs doing full time hours most of the time. I am a caregiver to my youngest daughter, who has a chronic health condition. I'm constantly stressed out of my mind with work and my 5 children ages 19 to 26. I love them endlessly, but gosh... Crazy time of life for us all.

Anyway, I am trying to think of the ways I found success in the past. When losing, I weighed once a week. I counted and recorded every calorie. I worked out a lot but not crazy amounts like I did in the year of so after reaching my goal. I was not even involved in the social part of this app until the last 20 pounds or so. But, it (you) became so important to me after I got started getting to know people. You became the lifeline holding me.

What am I doing now? I eat far too much... often because once I've gone off the rails I may as well gobble as much as possible. I often follow this up with fasting for a day or more. Then I am must be super careful until I get off the food/water weight I packed on... then I repeat the process. I never saw this as truely disorder eating until someone very close to me began to struggle with a full blown eating disorder and would have killed her without residential urgent care. As a result, I became much more aware of my choices but I didn't change them. I weigh daily when I'm doing well and avoid the scale in fear when I know it will tell me a sad, truthful story. I am so busy that checking on my friends here can be difficult and stressful... I literally feel so much guilt when I don't support and comment. I used to go through my whole group I follow every day or two to keep up with everyone's journey.

The last week has been incredible stressful. Just off the charts for me. Yet, I've been managing to eat pretty well. I really can't say why it has been so much better. Maybe I came though some really high calorie days feeling pretty disgusting and disgusted with myself. Am I just ready to fight harder again? I don't know. I'm weighing every day, but not recording here daily. I'm recording all my calories and sticking close to my decided upon limit. I'm not stressing about getting to the gym. I'm on my feet and active at work all the time, so it isn't like I have zero activity. I worked in my rose garden! I have been cutting off eating in the early afternoon most days. Having always found fasting easier somehow than moderation, I've shut that gate totally rather than trying to let the herd that wants to stampede out a few at a time.

I don't know how things will go tomorrow or the next day or next week. Today went OK. I'm just trying to be thankful... Appreciative of all my many blessings. I'm trying to forgive myself. I am not where I was... But I sure as heck am not where I was before I started! Petra's journal today caused me to pause and think about how I am afraid to say how much I am still struggling, because I don't anyone to feel they again they have to lift me up. But, I don't feel that way about my friends here who are earnestly trying and still fighting this fight. And...should I fear the opinions of people here or dread seeming like a bother or a failure? Ok, too many thoughts. It is late, and tomorrow with all its fears and frustrations will come too soon. To my sweet, dear friends, thank you for all of your endless support all of these years. If anyone else reads this, maybe some of this resonates and is an encouragement to keep going. Giving up is not an option!

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1221 kcal

Grasa: 46,55g | Prot: 56,68g | Carbh: 144,74g.   Desayuno: Great Value Half & Half, Coffee-Mate French Vanilla Liquid Coffee Creamer, Simply Nature Organic Quinoa, Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter, Brown Sugar. Almuerzo: Delish BBQ Seasoned Pork Jerky, Chicken Stir Fry, 365 Organic Quinoa, Apples . Pasa Bocas / Otros: Starbucks Hazelnut Latte (Grande). más...