Hello friends! I have turned off comments for this post because I don't want anyone to feel they have to say anything. I just need to talk. Scroll on if you don't want to read personal stuff. I am totally fine with that.
I lost weight three years ago. During the worst of covid shut downs I had so much time for a year and a half to two years to focus on my fitness, and I got so incredibly strong and disciplined. I wondered what would happen if times got really hard for my family if I would relapse and lose my motivation and the habits I had worked hard to build. Well, I have my answer... I am not doing well.
As my friends know, I have a daughter who was injured terribly as a pedestrian in a crosswalk. Even though carrying a flag, she was hit by an inattentive driver. The brain injury she sustained stole so much, but miraculously, she was able to go to college and then university and frequently carry a full load of classes with only a few accommodations for length of time to take exams and sometimes having a quarter extended to turn in homework. She had been my brightest, most motivated kid who was brilliant at math and science. After the accident, she no longer could do well in math so angled a different direction with her education. She felt fulfilled and driven... absolutely committed to her studies in International Relations. She has fought and struggled to maintain as much of a normal life as possible. Last year she started to have to drop classes. She couldn't keep up with the workload while enduring the constant headache pain that became debilitating when especially bad. She has developed a serious pain syndrome that impacts every area of her life. She has issues now with joint pain and circulation issues that cause extreme pain. Her stomach and digestion has become wrecked by stress, and her diet is so limited by a vast amount of troubles bothering her body. This quarter it was pretty frequent that she was in bed half the week. My care giving took on a new and sorrowful role as I communicated for her to professors when she could not even stop crying from the pain let alone attend classes or pick up her phone to send an email notifying them of her absence yet again. Her discouragement and pain has reached a scary level at times. As of now, although she would have finally graduated this spring, she will slow down to a class per quarter, try to get her health somehow regulated, and graduate next year. That doesn't seem like a big deal for old people like us, but for a girl who has worked like I have never seen anyone put in effort, she is devastated. She had to drop her capstone project half completed and may be required to start totally new with a new advisor and a new subject.
We are absolutely thankful that our daughter didn't die on that day when her life changed forever. She could have had such a serious brain injury that she could never speak or get out of a wheelchair. We are endlessly grateful for that, but to see her going downhill years later and not knowing when the slide will stop is killing me. She is seen by the top heachache pain specialists in the state, pain clinics, she has care coordinated with so many doctors, and therapists trying to help her from different angles. Medications and treatments fail and cause her other problems. She has finally found the most significant pain relief when things are beyond terrible from CBD vape, but then she just sleeps and can't study anyway. But, let me tell you, I am thankful more than you can know when the writhing and crying stops and she is relaxed and sleeping.
So where am I? I am fat and unfit and sad. Last I checked I was 10 up from my goal. I haven't checked for a couple weeks. My pants are too tight and if I continue on this path, I will not be able to wear them. It will be hard to go to work with nothing to wear, since I did not keep and will not buy fatter clothes. I have to stop and I have to get a grip on my choices.
I have a beautiful bright spot in my world. This daughter (I have 5 kids, so I need to specify) has a dear friend who just had a baby and I am helping the family. The couple had two children already... 10 and 2 and they now have a 1.5 week old. Their family is from the other side of the world and they have only just settled here. They have no one here to help them. I went to take care of the little ones when the mama was in the hospital having a new baby. They have barely any space, so four of them sleep in the same room, and you can imagine how hard that is with 2 "babies" waking each other up. The papa had to go back to work immediately. No paternity leave for folks unless they already have good jobs... so incredibly sad. To pay rent on their tiny place and care for his family by himself, he must work more than full time. Anyway, this is something I can do!!!! I have thrown myself into baby care, collecting donations of car seats, baby gates, clothes, diapers... I have been cooking and cleaning for them... I know how to do that! The joy of being able to bring them help has filled my heart and... kept me busier than before. Thankfully, my daughter had already dropped her course load back, so she too has found some peace in helping when she can... doing something that gives back and actually makes a difference. The kids adore her. While holding a tiny new bundle by the hour, she told me it was refilling her serotonin levels! It has been horrible for my workout plans, since I am so busy working plus helping "my" little family. I have lost sleep caring for a fussy toddler, but It is so rewarding and fills my heart with comfort.
But, here I am. I need to get back on track with my diet. I have not weighed in and just can't face it today. I will in the days ahead after the water has drifted off. I will work at being utterly faithful at logging my intake. That is the first step.
If you pray, pray for my daughter and also for this little family who is struggling daily with managing life right now. The mama seems to have an infection. She is feverish at times and has very little energy. If you know anything about the mortality rates for black women who have given birth in the country (it is by far the worst in the western world) you know I have real concerns. She has been to the ER and sent home again with no solutions. We are just watching and hoping and praying and are ready to take her again at a moment's notice to a different hospital.
So, if you made it through this long journal entry, you must love me! Thank you for caring. I sign off now and head off to all the things I need to do today. Blessings!
Oh, and these are my kitties today. Sometimes you just need a little love from a friend!
