Diario de unity1234, 29 oct. 23

Today, I realized that codependency is essentially the belief that I am incomplete and so is everyone else. I believed that others needed me to be complete and I needed them. I'm not talking about thoughts. I can tell the difference between thoughts and beliefs through my emotions. The emotions I feel strongly tell me the truth about my beliefs. So for example, I feel guilty. I feel guilty constantly. Feeling guilty for doing something I truly love is an emotion spawned from the belief that I do not have the capacity to be whole on my own. Spending energy engaged in a way of being that is not directly connected to serving others is 'dangerous' because my 'enoughness' is not obtained that way. This same belief causes me to become defensive when others help me do things (household chores, cooking, childcare) that I believe I am responsible for. I believe my enoughness is tied to them needing me to do these things. I feel threatened because The Other is demonstrating the ability to manage their own life as well as take on the things I do to prove my worth. And proving my worth is a constant, exhausting, forever battle... no more. No more. I am complete. So are you. Undefined does not equate to incomplete. Vulnerable doesn't equal incomplete. Mistaken, imperfect, tired, none of these make you incomplete. You were born complete. Survival transcends the body. There is nothing that you need. 

Wow, unity. So powerful. Thank you for sharing. I don't feel like I've ever understood the concept of codependency, but I certainly resonate with some of this. Mostly the feeling that I needed to prove I'm worthy of existing. I was definitely an oops baby, and I spent many years trying to make up for the fact I wasn't supposed to be here, sucking up resources. Maybe that's something other than codependency, but a lot of us have had emotional journeys. It sounds like you have come so far, and I commend you for that. Recognition is the first step to change and healing. I wish you all the best ❤️ 

Unity, I could feel your words touch my Heart. I have been there for so long. Thank you 💖 

Do you work outside of the home, @Unity? If not, finding an activity that you enjoy and getting a job in that field can be a way to peel away from the environment that caused all this turmoil you’re recovering from. 

These feelings get so stirred up for me in relation to my kids, now in late adolescence and early adulthood, still at home but increasingly independent. I often have such tough time with my own ambivalence around this. I’m trying to relax and enjoy their independence (there’s a lot to enjoy!) but it is often all charged emotionally in a way that’s not healthy for me or for them. Doesn’t help that we are all anxious people. 

💙I am baking now, but did want to set your mind at east JustBananas, the circumstances that I used to define myself happened as a very young child (abt 9 to 18 years old). Although they have long since passed, the beliefs were still in place. Your concern is a beautiful aspect of who you are and I appreciate it a great deal. 💙 

writingwyo, you get me, exactly. When are we 'enough.' When is it OK to say to ourselves, hey you get to love how you live? Is there a number of good deeds, hours working? Are you allowed to be at peace if your children are in jail for the rest of their lives? Or must you spent every waking moment, for the rest of your life, mourning the loss? 

rcguenth, thank you for supporting me here. 💙 It feels better to know I no longer have anything to prove. Not to myself or anyone else ever again for the rest of my life. I can just be myself and know she IS love. I can be someone I love, I can love how I live, I can be the truth about me. And that will be my life's meaning.  

Agnes Z, I definitely get this. It is funny how our children so perfectly mirror the aspects of ourselves that most need gentleness, attention, and sometimes a change of perspective. My children, my nephews who lived with me in their teenage years... my brothers who depended on me, all of them remind me to be honest with myself about what I am really feeling so that I can show them that it is ok for them to be honest with themselves. I started late; but really there is no starting late. Just a tenderness that you share knowing that this gentleness is your truth and is perfect in its imperfect expression sometimes. Thank you for being here to support me. It matters. You matter. Your life matters. 💙 

Unity1234, you just explained cognitive behavior therapy 101: The way you think/believe/perceive determines the way you feel, which in turn determines the way you will behave, react, and/or respond in a circumstance or situation. The foundational principle in CBT is if you change or challenge the way you think/believe/perceive, you will ultimately feel differently and therefore behave, react, or respond differently... Most of how we interpret or receive information from others or the world around us is flawed because we interpret it from our own flawed belief system. If those thoughts/beliefs go unchecked we will never think, feel, or respond/behave differently. It's amazing how neuro pathways work and how we have the ability to challenge old pathways (patterns of thinking) and make new pathways through challenging our thought processes. The mind is a beautiful, yet complex organ.  

scsherman777, I will have to look into CBT. Thank you for that. Observed reality, I've noticed, is not the reality in which I most often resided. I am improving, I think, because I'm 'watching' my thoughts now to determine if I believe them or not. I'm now filing many outdated thoughts to the garbage bin. But for most of my adult life, I was unaware of how my past had shaped my behavior.  

Unity1234, If you are interested in a great book surrounding one great principle of CBT, Schemas, I recommend checking out Reinventing Your Life by Janet S Klosko and Jeffrey Young.. If you didnt know, a schema describes patterns of beliefs, thinking and behavior that people use to interpret the world around them which are developed starting in childhood. Klosko/Young define Schemas as "Lifetraps" or beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors that keep you "trapped" in a cycle of self-destruction. They define each of these Lifetraps and draw upon the breakthrough techniques of cognitive behavior therapy to help individuals recognize and change self-defeating thoughts, feelings, and behaviors quickly and easily. I hope this info was helpful? 

scsherman777, book recommendations are ALWAYS helpful in my, ah, well, book. 🙃 I will definitely check it out. Right now, I'm reading, 'Codependent No More,' by Melody Beattie. I've only just started it so not sure how I feel about it yet. Thank you! 

Hugs to you 🤗 dear one.