Diario de FullaBella, 10 feb. 13

Sunday morning and being decadent lazy. I barely slept last night; once up once for MH, twice for my furbaby, and a fourth time when 'codered alert' phoned to tell us we were under severe weather threat. Nothing happened, fortunately, but now, having all my morning stuff done and it's too rainy and cold to work in my yard I'm lounging on the bed with my furbaby curled up snoring beside me. Life is good. I have a prime rib roast achieving room temperature - will cook it in a few hours. And yes, I will be having some. Probably a sweet potato on the side. Yes, everything in moderation.

Saturday Review: great day. As some of you noted on my Friday journal, yes, it was a much needed and deserved day off. My friend and I went shopping, lunch, theater, and shopping. I sported my 'longshoreman light' look and as I glanced around realized I didn't look out of place look at all. Even at the theater.

One of our shopping stops was at Coach - I'd considered a really nice handbag as a gift, reward, oh heck I'm a girl who likes handbags thing, but nothing really spoke to me. I could find the shape I wanted but not the material or color. Nothing that just sat on the shelf and said 'Oh Bella, this is so you.' Not even a wallet. Ahh well.

Lunch was Uncle Julios again as I was all set to enjoy that wonderful ceviche as last time but we eventually split a grilled vegetable entree with the grilled shrimp addon. We also shared a pineapple bacon quacamole and I had a small cup of black bean soup.

All in all very delicious and I felt really good about my mindful eating and enjoying it all without eating to a point of uncomfortable fullness. That was good - not only for my physical and mental health but for my body. I had to wear the TH's and while they are fitting a bit better than the week before they were still snug enough to give me grief if I'd eaten too much.

We were LATE for the theater. The program was 'Late Night Catechism Las Vegas' - a one woman show with audience participation. Here's an old review from another show to give you an idea if you're curious. http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2012/jan/17/review-late-nite-catechism-las-vegas-naples/

In a shorter review I'd say she's like Judge Judy in a Nuns Habit - it was easy to pick out the Catholic folks in the audience - they were the ones that got most of the jokes. But there was plenty of humor for all and it was good clean fun.

Now here's a little interesting (to me) part of this whole healthy eating weight losing get my head on straight thing.

Because she kind of 'picks on the audience' as if they are in a classroom, she was already standing outside the entrance door when we arrived about 5mins LATE because she was teasingly picking on a guy in the audience who'd left the theater to take a call. We heard him as we were approaching - he was a doctor and it was his answering service - sounded serious. But she (Sister) was in the theater cracking jokes so as we went through the doors, trying to slip in quietly, she, on her loudspeaker asked 'And where have YOU TWO Been, may I ask?"

Yeah, suddenly I'm 8 years old being called out in front of the class.

So I just curtsey'd (seriously, where the HECK did that come from) and lowered my head and said 'I'm sorry Sister' and headed toward my seat. Obviously I was Catholic in a previous life. All eyes in the room are on us, of course. Apparently there'd been a little audience heckling even before that but being late I had no idea what was going on. She blocked my friend and said 'what about you! Where have you been? Why are you late.'

My friend answered 'we were eating!'

Now, my friend is small, petite, normal weight. She's never endured a 'fat person's insecurities'. She doesn't know the code 'we never EVER act like we eat. Especially in public.'

Even now, as I am approaching normal size (something I'll explain more in a minute) I was sooooo embarrassed. Not at being late, even though I was. I am obsessively punctual so I hated being late. But now ... in front of the whoooole room my friend confessed 'we were eating!'

I felt EVERY eye on me and could feel their comments 'yeah... no kidding... that big gal with you...does she ever STOP eating?'

I dashed to my seat and despite feeling so very conspicuous, held my head up. And I felt a little better as she randomly teased others but at the break I discussed it with my friend.

NOT her FAULT mind you - just explaining how differently *I* feel about some things like that compared to how someone who's never battled weight or weight prejudice or anything like that can feel. And not blaming, just sharing how interesting we are when we are going down different paths in life.

Still got a long road to go to healthy AND happy. Ahh well, I only have the rest of my life to get it right.

So as for the approaching normal size reference earlier - it's one thing to look in the mirror and try to see the changes, it's another to accept them when the mirror isn't around. After soooo many years of mostly obesity - despite the 'think and grow thin' philosophy of imagining myself lean and slim so that's what I'll achieve, I still have trouble getting a respective comparison.

And it should NOT matter, I know. I am what I am. Me and Popeye.

But it does. I want to walk into a room and NOT be anything more than Just another woman walking into the room. I will never be the prettiest or youngest or hottest. I'm fine with that. Happiness will be when I am: just another woman.

So I looked at another woman who I thought was more or less my size because being a cloudy day I was having trouble finding a reflection from the glass windows to see how I 'measured up' in a random comparison. I sort of tried it in the mirror over the sinks in the ladies room but started feeling like some weirdo perv stalker just lingering there.

I asked my friend about another woman - 'Am I about that size yet?' And she said 'no, you're smaller'. Maybe my friend was trying to be nice after the 'we were eating' discussion of how screwed up I am still. I don't know.

That's the weird thing about my body, maybe one of the few lucky things, is that at 200lbs (almost there) I'm so big boned and muscular in my legs, I look almost normal weight. Normal woman weight - not runway magazine victoria secret model weight. Then the other side of that coin is that even when I reached about 150 and wore a size 2 jeans a doc in the box I went to lectured me about losing weight because I'm still 30-40lbs overweight according to 'the acceptable number scale'.

So I repeatedly tell people 'it's just a NUMBER' - use more than that to measure. Maybe I tell it to others so someday I'll hear it too.

The final thought I'm having this morning is I was thinking about how we share ideas here and are basically our own little lab rats. We try things, reject them, try something else, and gather back together here in journals and posts to share results and ideas. It's kind of cool.

For me, I spend a lot of time in the psych-lab. Definitely food is the root of the gain but I'm trying to find the root of the root. I was thinking about that line in the movie 'The Generals Daughter':

"What is PsyOps?"
"Mostly, we just f*ck with peoples minds."

And that's a huge portion of what I'm doing right now. I have the food choice tools in place. I'm working on the 'why'. I'm fortunate my body is also still healthy enough to respond, that I caught it once again before I reached a point of no return. That God is gracing me with yet another chance. Now I just gotta get it right.

Two final thoughts today.

Well three, the first being 'thank you and bless you for reading this far.'

Second - I am not sure if 5mph is a run or a jog - but either way - I did it yesterday on my treadmill for 2 minutes. I'm getting to where 4mph 'trotting?' or fast walking is very comfortable. So, yay.

Third: According to Sister, we all have guardian angels. This part I knew. What I didn't know (nor know if it's true, after all, who does) but our Guardian Angels are always of the opposite gender. This is to encourage modesty, even in private.

That'll sure give me something to think about every time I shower....

Have a great rest of your Day.

Bella

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1302 kcal

Grasa: 65,89g | Prot: 92,91g | Carbh: 87,50g.   Desayuno: Schwan Triple Berry, Kraft Twist, Coffee, Chobani Non Fat Yogurt, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Flax Seed, Coconut Oil. Almuerzo: Egg White, Balsamic Bellavitano Sartori, 365 shelled pumpkin seeds, Low Sodium Chicken Broth, Egg White, Schwan Tortellini, Schwans Roasted Chicken, Hunts Diced Tomato, Schwans Asparagus, Whole Spicy Pickles. Cena: Diet Swiss Miss, Sweet Potato Skin, Prime Rib. más...

2130 kcal

Ejercicio: Durmiendo - 24 horas. más...