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Tuesday hmm? My mind is whirling and I don't feel like organizing my thoughts so much like clearing out that 'kitchen drawer' - you know the one.. that has everything from batteries to thermometers in it... I'm just going to dump out my thoughts and move on. Every time I try to think of trying to write something with a flow I find myself staring up at the walls so here goes. The biggest thought I'm having right now is that I am still a fraud. I feel empty inside. Crazy I know with the business, Blondie & crew, travel, trade shows, photography, gardening, painting and more. Feels solicitous to even write that. But I still feel this big hole inside me.. one I've carried for what seems like my whole life. Broken. Faulty. Unfinished. I know my life is NOW.. not waiting for it to begin. I know that. I cannot waste today thinking tomorrow or next month, next year or whenever is going to finally 'be it'. But I do. Like something better, something fulfilling is out there for me and will close off those gaps and I'll stop feeling shattered all of the time as I have for so very long. Last night I decided grief counseling may help. Maybe not so much the loss of Cutty but the loss of my own life that I feel so often that I've wasted .. and I just want to patch it and redeem myself. The paper listed it as meeting at the local library but that was incorrect. So instead, I sat down with one of Geneen Roth's books off the shelf and began reading. I cannot remember the title nor did I read past a few chapters but usually with her, recently, that's all it seems to take. She seems to write to my soul. My inner thoughts. In her book she admitted that despite everything she writes about, giving up dieting, blah blah, she realized she was still an anorexic at heart as she recognized her 'wings would flutter joyfully' (paraphrasing) whenever someone commented on her 'teeny weeny size' or even her doctor accusing her of putting rocks in her pockets to weigh because she looked thinner than the scale revealed. I got that. Of course, my helter skelter way of reading didn't lead to me checking out the book for the ending... I am constantly living that way - maybe that's part of it? Like, when I was watching 'The Borgia's' on Netflix.. I wouldn't watch the last four episodes for months. I didn't want to know how it ended. I prefer my own conclusions... the same when I read. But I recognized how I swing back and forth between knowing who and what I am ... to feeling like I have amnesia and it's weight related. When I am morbidly obese.. I am my staunchest supporter. I can list and rattle off my talents and virtues with machine gun cadence. It's a well polished speech that goes along the lines of, "Okay, so I'm not a size 2. But I'm highly intelligent to the point that I'm eligible to join Mensa if I so choose. A college graduate, honest citizen, good wife (had to adjust that to 'was a good wife') and Step Mother and I pay my taxes, hold several jobs, pay my bills,..... " and on and on. I can recognize that EVERYthing I AM is greater than my SIZE. But when I lose weight... it's like all that goes away. No, I'm not cheating on my taxes or kicking puppies. It's just .. I get so focused on being 'the woman who lost weight' that I forget the rest of me. I forget who and what I am. SO NOW... as I'm taking this weight loss so much deeper and farther than I've ever taken it in the past by focusing on more than that scale or tag on the jeans... I'm wondering... and I know this sounds so freaking cliche'd it even makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little... I wonder: WHO AM I???? I've spent my life so far trying to defend myself when I'm obese and protect myself when I'm not. I feel like a stranger in the house of my body. I walk around my house PERFORMING. As if someone is watching me. I know some of it. Being abused as a child.. I am the ultimate chameleon. I will be whoever YOU want me to be. I can do it in the blink of an eye. I can be soft or tough. Funny or quiet. I'm am the consummate entertainer, people pleaser, whatever it freaking takes for you to NOT HURT ME anymore. I'm also a master manipulator to control every situation and I think I've manipulated myself to a point beyond recognition. But ... WHO AM *I*???? I don't know. And that brings tears to my eyes right now as I type it. I hate that I'm still a stranger to myself after walking this earth over 5 decades. I can't figure out if I do things because people EXPECT me to do them or if I really enjoy it. I'm trying ... dear God I'm trying. So for the purpose of journaling HERE at FatSecret...what does any of this have to do with All things food and health? ALL of it. I so identified with Roth last night. Being the fraud. Saying over and over 'I'm trying to eat what I love and love what I eat' but then RAGING inwardly when I feel my stomach is expanding. Is it just a shift in blood sugar... blah blah...is it brought on by the increased 'iced coffees' I'm enjoying during the day but not eating food. My rings still fit. My bracelet still hangs below that freckle on my left forearm. My blouses still fit. Why in the WORLD am I staring at my belly in the mirror and feeling bad? So I rant... or cheer.. .or whatever mood it could be where I rage against my focus with defense. "You are way healthier than two years ago. You can walk without complications. You can stand. You can lift and do and aren't on the verge of a stroke. You've never had a bikini body ... and who cares if you did. Be grateful for everything you do have today! TODAY! Not next week, month, etc. " I need to find ME. The me I am at any size. The me that knows who I am, accepts the things I cannot change, finds the courage to change the things I can, and the ability to know the difference. Another thing she wrote about is that she recognized 'just because something was true 'then' doesn't make it true 'now'. Just because she could eat 'these things then' doesn't mean she'll always be able to eat them. Ok... yeah. I get that. And with that I recognized something else. Just because I am 'here' talking about all things food and health... I still have a history of EATING DISORDER that is different than just wanting to take off a few unwanted pounds. This morning my thoughts took me to the analogy of all the different type people who are in AA or NA. There are some there who truly have a problem and need the support of the group. There are other's there who are court ordered because they really don't have the problem but had a little too much to drink one night and did damage. I'm not in the latter group. I have an issue. Eating disorder. I absolutely refuse to weigh right now because if I see that number I will freaking lose my mind and make it all about the scale. And I know the tricks I can do to bring that number down. I just don't think I'd survive it one more time. So am I in denial? Or am I finally in acceptance. I am what I am. I am eating healthy for at least 99% of the time. That entire concept varies depending on which diet guru is on and which book you read. I stay away from processed food and get my water and make the effort to be physical every day and exercise 3 times a week. I'm doing all I can. My body... will be what it will be. I have to find the peace with that. I have to. I really don't want to die miserable and full of regret. Bella
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81,6 kg
Disminuído hasta ahora: 47,6 kg.
Aún para ir: 0 kg.
Dieta seguida: Bien.
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peso estable
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 Comentarios
I wish I were only "court-ordered" to be here. When I think about my relationship to food, I am often reminded of that movie "What's eating Gilbert Grape." The weight came on for me when I've tried to feed emotional voids. Conversely, losing the weight made me realize I didn't gain any new found happiness in a smaller body. It occurs to me that my problem isn't food. My problem is emotional turmoil. I don't know that I will ever truly have a grasp on "Who I am" or what makes me happy. But maybe we are just supposed to sit back and see where our journey takes us. As a self-proclaimed control-freak, it is hard for me to let go of the reins and accept that this might be as good as it gets but I've noticed that during those times when I am not searching for something more, I will on occasion find a genuine smile on my face.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: 2ManyCurves
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Ok, you did not make me pee my pants but your amazing and insightful journal did make a robots eyes tear up. You are not alone at feeling lost at times. You have lived a full life and you have so much more to go. Don’t be afraid to change whatever you want and live it. Take a new direction. When I read your journals you motivate me to take chances. I know I will not get anywhere being paralyzed with fear. Wherever your future plans take you and whatever your focus, be proud of who you are now. You are wonderful and that’s all that matters. No one expects perfection.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: ChicaLean
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Oh Bella... I just want to come and give you a big, big hug. You sound so sad and lost. Although I have never met you, you have touched my heart. You are an amazingly strong, sensitive person... Who is a little lost at the moment. Bugger the scales... They only register a number... Carry on eating healthily, do the best you can to enjoy moments with mushy and friends. Xxx
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: Sk1nnyfuture
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Wow, that was just a very thoughtful and profound work you wrote. You may not feel that you have things figured out that well, I think you're well on your way to getting there although I wonder if most of us ever really get it figured out. Me, I'm not that in-depth of a thinker, just trying to do the best I can today and in the forseeable future with what I've got.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: jmb3450
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I hear ya, Bella. After all I've accomplished, I still focus on my "pregnant-looking" stomach. It bothers me every day - all day. I've lost 100 lbs, but my stomach still looks horrible (to me). But I'm at the lowest weight my body will let me be, so why am I picking on my stomach, and therefore, myself? I've accomplished phenomenal things, and yet, my stomach still bothers me significantly. *Sigh* If we're doing all we can, we HAVE to accept ourselves. Why be so critical of ourselves? I'm right there with you with doing things 99% correct and needing to accept myself, because there's no where else for me to go. Why can't I just accept myself? You are not alone. You are incredible in the way that you know yourself and know what you need. Take care of you, don't weigh yourself, and keep on soul searching. :)
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: ChristyLA
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I don't know if this is pertinent, but I've often thought that through all of my life, if I hadn't had this weight issue, who would I have been? What would have been the focus of my life? Because, diets, self-consciousness, thinking about food, etc has just about taken 80% of my energies. I had two modes of living, on a diet and off of my diet. In control or out of control. Is this what you're facing since you've achieved your goal? Sort of an empty nest syndrome? Or is it that you've arrived at the pot of gold over the rainbow, only to find there's no gold there? Or not the gold you expected. I do like JMB's post, as often I've been able to drive myself crazy trying to analyse myself and the world. Not to overthink, and just live. We can drive ourselves crazy with our own mental devices. Maybe there are no answers that you'll ever be satisfied with. Maybe the answer is not to continuously ask questions of our lives, our world, and just accept. Just be and smell the flowers. Old age is creeping in. When I'll get that flat stomach, will I start to see the wrinkles and let that drive me crazy? I know my comment doesn't completely address your post, and I'm just throwing it out there for your comment has got my wheels spinning...But really, your post is amazingly deep and insightful and honest.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: NowIunderstand
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Bella, we could be sisters. I have a hole in my soul that I don't know how to fix. I know food doesn't fix it but I keep trying. Insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I too am a people pleaser and too can be who you want me to be. But I find I get angry now at being asked to do that. Is that fair? I presented myself to someone in one way, false normally, or only a small part of me, but when expected to be that way again, I get angry at the expectations. I have no freakin answer dearheart but I am right there with you, lost, pissed off, sad, angry. But I commend you that you are hanging in, eating well, eating healthy and exercising. Your mind might be f'd up but your body should be healthy(ier). Keep being honest, you inspire me and give me strength.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: sarahsmum
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Bella, i can relate in many ways. My journey through this weight loss and getting fit change in my life has brought me on a mental journey as well. Not abused as a child but had to fit into the dutiful daughterg of a big shot exec. Molded into fitting the part. I did rebel from that but the training still remained. Ended up in 2 controlling the then turning abusive marriges because of my "training" to be corporation wife. After leaving my 2nd DH in 2006 moved in with my widowed Mom, ( the perfect corporation wife), she was fighting cancer which turned into terminal. My family was thankful due to concerns re: both her mental and physical state. 2007 she died, everyone thankful her pain had stopped, end of 2008 my divorce was finally done. By the time all that, getting a sedentary job, good benefits not a bad salary, still there: I had gained 60 pounds, again after losing it on Atkins several years before, and drinking too much. I bought my little ranch house in 2009. I'm good, decent job, nice little house in a nice neighborhood, generally awesome kids and grandkids. Ok, so go to work, come home turn into a couch potato, drink beer, don't accomplish the things I want to. Who am? I do not know I've spent 30 years surviving, protecting my 3 daughters the best I could. I no longer have much of a sense of self. i thought buying my house would help. This Weight loss journey for me has turned it all around. I now at least small handle on that self I want to be and feel comfortable being. I'm facing my demons in my past lives. My stress related migraines are nearly gone, i feel good, i face every day positive and happy. I shake off the workday stress and feel good about myself every day. I even have noticed i walk different. I still have my days that I struggle, but those days are fewer as time goes on. I'm slowly finding myself again, the journey will continue and that's ok. The journal, other's feedback and their journeys have helped me so much. I'm finding I'm enjoying this exploratory journey back to being me.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: wholefoodnut
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If you could be anyone, who would you be? As odd as it sounds, act in accordance with who you want to be. Why? Because people tend to take you at face value. Are you a fraud? No way. What you wrote shows that you're not. Lacking some confidence? Yeah, sure. We all do that from time to time if we're human. May I suggest a book? Feel the fear and do it anyway. It's a phenomenal read. It will make you think in new ways. It's worth your time. If you act a certain way, and can follow up and actually be who you represent, even if you have trouble accepting it about yourself, that is who you are. *hugs*
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: northernmusician
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I guess it's human nature to want to define ourselves by how smart we are, what we look like, what we do for a living, or even by our talents. But none of those things will be worth didley squat when our number is up. I think that when it is all said and done, you are defined by the impact you make on other's lives. If it is constantly all about you (or me), then we are missing the whole point of our existence, and we will always feel like something is missing. You are touching other people's lives right now. There's nothing more fulfilling than giving without expecting anything in return. And if we can get in shape, so we can do that longer and feel better about it, yay!
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: DairyKing
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I agree, DK. We make a mistake if we define ourselves as a success or a failure based on one thing.
17 jun. 14 por el miembro: northernmusician
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Bella, you bring up so many issues that I feel I understand you. I think we all feel these issues more or less. What you write forces me to think deeply on my own situation. I'm touched by your journals.
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: Deb_N
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I think it was called " the runaway bride" where Julia Roberts has conformed to everyone else's ideals and lost herself she doesn't even know how she genuinely likes her own eggs for breakfast. what if there's beauty in this moment instead of frustration and expectations of yourself. ..take should out of the belief system. At 5 decades plus you've been given the opportunity and the desire to really know your most magnificent self and without anyone else's expectations of you , you can get to know Bella from the smallest likes to the biggest dreams...it sounds like a gift to me.
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: sharonfriz
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Bella, I think sometimes you are too smart for your own good lady! All those things you listed off about what and who you are when you were overweight is who you now. I understand those traits are more in the forefront of your mind when you feel like you have to "justify" your existence when you're larger, but it is still all you. You've had a rough childhood and some other shitty things have happened, but I know deep down you know exactly who you are. It's simply a matter now of accepting who you are without looking at yourself through the prism of weight. Celebrate today and enjoy all the things you have in your life! Life is too short not to. Be well.
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: Josie Ann
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Oh honey, this one is HARD. I don't know what I can say, even IF I can say anything, that will help. I'm not sure that we CAN look at ourselves without the lenses of other peoples perceptions, particularly if our abusers are the biggest influence on that self examination. However, we must always remember, they had something invested in keeping us in that box they put us in. Whatever our abusers did to us, they did for their own selfish, ignorant, sadistic reasons. It had little to do with us personally, anyone would have done the job but it just happened that we were there so we became "anyone" in the most literal sense. We became whatever we needed to become, to get through it. I'm not sure you ever recover from childhood abuse, we form so many connections in the brain at that age that it becomes a part of us. Who you are may always have that aspect. I don't know, I'm still dragging my own aspect around with me everywhere I go. I will say-all the very best things about you, are also who you are, and they are ALWAYS who you are, at any weight. As far as regrets-well, there are a lot of things to regret in a life, any life, really. Many of them you can do very little about, but I have noticed that most of them occur because of the "spotlight effect". We feel embarrassment because of something we said or did, years or decades ago, and we think that people still remember that and think ill of us because of it. They rarely do, though. I won't tell you it's important to examine those things because...well it isn't. You cannot change them, and at this point you're not likely to change anyone else's mind about you. If that's all it takes to form a lifelong opinion of a person, then we're all screwed. I really think that right now you're being honest with yourself and that can sometimes be very, very painful. To admit to yourself that you have probably just as many flaws as you have attributes, when your entire life you've expected perfection for yourself, can hurt. If there's one thing we've been taught by all the healers is that we should not deliberately hurt ourselves. Perhaps accepting our own flaws the way we accept the flaws of others, because we love them, because we can see many reasons why they are the way they are, is the key? I don't know. I wish I did. This has been a thought provoking post, as many of yours are, but it's touching on tender areas for me as well. I need to go have a think on it.
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: CollyMP
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Bella, as usual that was beautiful and profound.
I am a BIG fan of therapy and I would encourage you to seek it if you feel you need it.
I think the "search for self" is a never-ending process though, and life would be pretty boring and dull if we didnt keep reinventing ourselves, evolving, learning and growing, right? :)
Hugs to you.
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: notjune1
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I hope this makes you feel better, but even at 26 I find myself mourning years lost, a life lost, time wasted. These moments are often when I am at my lowest or a hitting my head against a hard bout of depression. The only remedy I have found is to live in the moment - have fun, accomplish things, and seek new adventures, because once the future looks brighter, you can stop mourning the past. Keep your chin up - I think you are an accomplished and interesting and wonderful lady - and a life spent loving isn't wasted at all. Now that you're independent (again) you have done a great job of finding adventures and doing things just for *you.*
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: megmonster
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I think you're amazing. I admire everything you've accomplished and all the new things you're doing. It shows courage to try new things, to question what else, and to seek out new things that will make you feel more fulfilled. I just listened to a podcast of a lifestyle coach this morning attempt to convince everyone that they are perfect in this moment. Whatever they are or weigh or do or want that at this moment they are perfect. I almost snorted coffee through my nose when I heard this. The message got through though. By accepting who we are now we are more ready to become who we want to be because we stop punishing ourselves for who we aren't and can encourage ourselves to be who we should be. I think.. or the steaming hot coffee attempting to come out my nose ruined a few more brain cells. :) Either way you're my hero for being who you are now and who you will someday be. I'm gonna take a nap now before I try to give anyone else advice.
18 jun. 14 por el miembro: Ms Elizabeth
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Oh Bella - I completely missed this journal....my heart is going out to you ((((((((((((())))))))))))) As you know I hear you on all levels as our journey has been quite similar (although I know yours has been tougher). For me my hardest lesson was firstly learning that I can and have a right to say NO. When you are abused as a child, you are robbed of this right and carry it through into adulthood and it makes you fail in so many areas and you make so many poor choices. We feel that we do not deserve good in our lives, the abuse puts you in a level of guilt, shame and the feeling of having to be punished for it. It is only with the realisation that I was a victim (which incredibly I only fully understood and acknowledged a few years ago), could I see that I did deserve better and now when people push me in directions that are not good for me I can freely say NO. It was learning that if I just be me, it will be enough for the ones who love me, and the rest don’t matter…..
20 jun. 14 por el miembro: triaby
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Just want you to know that I read this journal, I can relate to this journal, and that I think you're just the bees knees. I didn't reply right away because I needed time to ponder on it, now other things have popped up and distracted me. Just know I'm on your side, always. ((Hugs)) even though I know you don't like them lol
20 jun. 14 por el miembro: Annabelle3117
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